like the infant learning to balance in a world no longer swaying in a Mother's womb, I too, started something completely different today. I like to think I do it for a purpose much more noble than for sheer pleasure...and that is for another's pleasure. So she and I may get closer. As I learn what it is she enjoys by experiencing something similar for myself and at the same time... learning things which may enhance her enjoyment and let our relationship grow.
but I'll be honest, its completely against my very Nature to do what I'm doing. Its this 'Nature' that's kept me semi-sane for 7 years. The very one that has people amazed at "how well I'm doing". It is the core of me... the very need to fight what is trying not to just control me and what I can do... but to literally destroy me. Bit deep starting out, but this is something not many know of me... is my daily/hourly struggle to retain as much as I can of the person I remember. To do what that person did with not much effort, but would put me 'down' for a week if I were to try now. Bad part is, what I truly need to realize is, and I'm starting to... is that person doesn't exist anymore. Jan. 21, 2001 can be put on a tombstone as the day that person died... and a new one has been kicking and screaming and fighting birth for 8 years now... but I'm finally realizing 1) you can't fight it 2)Not worth the fight. Spend your entire life trying to be what you were, you miss the joys of what you're becoming. And so... I begin a short journey of exploration. For me... for her... and for them.
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