should I bother even making excuses? Or just say today wasn't a good day to do what was trying to be done? Was my heart, mind, and soul in it? I don't think it was... though I think I making an effort to get there when the Idiots started in. Was I the local House Prize to be "claimed"? For the idiots that tried sure made enough efforts. How many times must I explain it in Open Chat? Is this what you've all experienced before and I've been fortunate enough to miss it because I typically tell them to go 'Fuck yourself, your worthless slut too, with a dull chainsaw?
This is why being a 'sub' is so hard to even consider for me.... if I'm not in the mood... i'm NOT in the mood and Hell will the person pay who keeps on when I've said no. *sighs* and god... its getting soooo hard to get in the mood these days.
But people have committed time and energy to this for ME ( Thank You, Ma'am) and I'm hoping this will hlep I and another expand our relationship (love and miss you, dear one).... so I shall try to regroup.. mentally... and approach this as I should. But am i the cheap whore that walks into the bar late at night? No.. I don't think so. Or maybe I am. I envision the streetlight reflection, the 80's hair, cheap mascara, and shitty leather dress. Walking into a room of cigarette smoke on heels that are either too worn or fit too poorly to walk right in. Or... maybe just her feet are tired. She wants to do nothing more than take a seat at the bar... hopefully someone will buy her a drink (or four)... she can relax and rest her feet... ponder what she might change from today to make tomorrow better as she sips one of her drinks. She's tired and the darkness and the cigarette smoke make it hard to see, but she's not standing. The crowd's easy enough to tune out and she can think about those who think of her.... she can determine how to do better by them... how to give and let go of enough of herself to know the parts which most yearn to be touched by Her/her.
As I sidle up to my own personal bar with aforementioned special effects, I want you both to know: I'm not giving up (see Post #1), so don't give up on me.
And Ma'am... truly... the blindfold didn't work in the way you intended. I couldn't see hit on anyone, nor click on profiles and was in the middle of a dancefloor while some popular (I listened and still don't know why he'd be popular) DJ was playing. If you wish for me to do that, then I shall... though I can't guarantee any better results and I may still be wearing the ropes next week.
And Nina... whether you want it or not... Jac has invested to much time and energy into this for ME. It WILL be done.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
crawling
Thus it begins...
like the infant learning to balance in a world no longer swaying in a Mother's womb, I too, started something completely different today. I like to think I do it for a purpose much more noble than for sheer pleasure...and that is for another's pleasure. So she and I may get closer. As I learn what it is she enjoys by experiencing something similar for myself and at the same time... learning things which may enhance her enjoyment and let our relationship grow.
but I'll be honest, its completely against my very Nature to do what I'm doing. Its this 'Nature' that's kept me semi-sane for 7 years. The very one that has people amazed at "how well I'm doing". It is the core of me... the very need to fight what is trying not to just control me and what I can do... but to literally destroy me. Bit deep starting out, but this is something not many know of me... is my daily/hourly struggle to retain as much as I can of the person I remember. To do what that person did with not much effort, but would put me 'down' for a week if I were to try now. Bad part is, what I truly need to realize is, and I'm starting to... is that person doesn't exist anymore. Jan. 21, 2001 can be put on a tombstone as the day that person died... and a new one has been kicking and screaming and fighting birth for 8 years now... but I'm finally realizing 1) you can't fight it 2)Not worth the fight. Spend your entire life trying to be what you were, you miss the joys of what you're becoming. And so... I begin a short journey of exploration. For me... for her... and for them.
like the infant learning to balance in a world no longer swaying in a Mother's womb, I too, started something completely different today. I like to think I do it for a purpose much more noble than for sheer pleasure...and that is for another's pleasure. So she and I may get closer. As I learn what it is she enjoys by experiencing something similar for myself and at the same time... learning things which may enhance her enjoyment and let our relationship grow.
but I'll be honest, its completely against my very Nature to do what I'm doing. Its this 'Nature' that's kept me semi-sane for 7 years. The very one that has people amazed at "how well I'm doing". It is the core of me... the very need to fight what is trying not to just control me and what I can do... but to literally destroy me. Bit deep starting out, but this is something not many know of me... is my daily/hourly struggle to retain as much as I can of the person I remember. To do what that person did with not much effort, but would put me 'down' for a week if I were to try now. Bad part is, what I truly need to realize is, and I'm starting to... is that person doesn't exist anymore. Jan. 21, 2001 can be put on a tombstone as the day that person died... and a new one has been kicking and screaming and fighting birth for 8 years now... but I'm finally realizing 1) you can't fight it 2)Not worth the fight. Spend your entire life trying to be what you were, you miss the joys of what you're becoming. And so... I begin a short journey of exploration. For me... for her... and for them.
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